It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was also Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick. I swear, I saw him do it. Since the beginning of time, and coincidentally the dawn of man… I think it happened in the late ’60s around the time the film Cool Hand Luke came out. And they thought he couldn’t eat 50 eggs. Boy, did he make them feel silly. Ok, fine. Continuing the blog here, boss. Sorry for interrupting it with another pointless reference to something completely unrelated here, boss.
Since the world began, creatures have needed sustenance to get them through their pointless, miserable days. But, on a lighter note, some of that sustenance was probably fairly delicious. And after eating this food every day with their every day hands (in the case of humans), tools started being invented to act as a middle man between the hands and the mouth for reasons still being studied and determined. Science takes a while, what with all the research that needs whatever.
Coming from America, I grew up eating with forks and spoons and knives, oh my. But now that I live in Japan, I’ve had the privilege of getting used to eating with a new kind of utensil. Chopsticks are called ‘Ohashi’ in Japanese, and they can be quite daunting for people who may have only practiced using them for about two months before moving here. When I would go out to sushi restaurants in California, I would eventually have to end up stabbing the food to get it into my mouth because I didn’t have the patience to eat with chopsticks. Learning how to use them wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever had to do. Although it was a lot easier than learning how to Dougie. For me, at least.
It was especially hard because for the last 31 years, I never learned how to properly hold a pencil. See, it looks like I’m trying to do a monkey’s taxes with a sledgehammer. So, whenever somebody tries to teach me how to use chopsticks, and their first step is to start by holding it like you would a pencil, I would already be, as Charles Bronson would say, “Gosh darn shoot-howdy out of luck”. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you could technically get by with not using chopsticks in Japan. A lot of restaurants do offer forks and spoons, and they do liberally hand out plastic sporks at all convenience stores, but I still think its a good idea to learn how to use them anyway. To be honest, they kind of turn eating into a more enjoyable experience for me. It’s kind of like playing a videogame just to get food into your mouth, although not at all because that’s a terrible analogy and I’m sorry for making it.
I have several pairs at my house that I used to use a lot more than I do now. I even have a chopstick case that says ‘Everything will be all right’, because as we all know, everything will be all right. Eventually. Maybe. Either way, I have some plastic pairs and some wooden pairs. I’m pretty sure that wooden chopsticks are generally made out of bamboo. When I was still living in America, I used to practice with M&M’s. One at a time, I would place them from one plate to another. Sometimes, the M&Ms wouldn’t make it to the other plate. They would fall right into my mouth. Ok, most of the time that would happen. I also watched a whole bunch of videos to learn the finger placements, but I still don’t do it right. Just yesterday, one of my coworkers took the chopsticks out of my hand during lunch and placed them back into my hand where they were supposed to be.
Before I end this blog, I want to take you all on a trip. Let’s venture down no-no street to Faux-pas town and talk about some ‘Ohashi oh no you didn’ts’. Here are three things, you should definitely never do with your chopsticks.
1.) Don’t stick them in your food. Especially your rice. You should lay them delicately side by side across your dish and/or bowl and/or table and/or flat thing.
2.) Do not pass food from your chopsticks to another person’s chopsticks.
3.) Don’t tap them together or on your table like they are drumsticks.
I’m only here to tell you what not to do, if you want to know the reasons why you shouldn’t do these things, go visit someone else’s blog. I have to edit myself into more stupid pictures for future blog posts. So, with that, thank you for reading and have a wonderful day!
Japan-ing With Dan 